We live in a world that celebrates confidence. From self-help books to motivational speakers, we spend billions of dollars each year to achieve realities that involve the ultimate certainty in ourselves- the highly sought after ‘self confidence’ that will make everything click! And I’ll admit, I’ve regrettably contributed in a small way to those billions myself in the past!
We keep chasing those feelings of confidence, doing the whole ‘I’ll do XYZ when I feel confident enough to do so.’
How many times have you waited to feel confident before doing something important? Maybe it was asking someone out on a date, making a job or life change, or starting something that matters to you. At some point we were sold this idea that confidence is the magic ingredient for success.
But it’s not.
In fact, our obsession with feeling confident before taking action might just be the very thing holding us back!
What I’m suggesting here is that confidence isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. It’s overrated, and as we go along, you’ll see exactly why.
Confidence: Then Vs Now
The word confidence didn’t always mean what it means today. Back in its original sense and meaning, it almost meant something entirely different.
The Latin Origins of Confidence
Con: with or together
Fidere: trust or to have faith
Modern Usage of Confidence
Confidence: Situational belief in one’s skills or abilities.
Self-confidence: Overarching belief in oneself as capable.
Notice how the self is not mentioned in the original usage, and that its meaning places it outside of oneself? Confidence was more like trust in external factors, like things you could lean on regardless of how you felt. Think of someone skilled in something relying on their training or a friend or partner confiding in someone they trust.
It wasn’t about pumping yourself up with a belief or feeling. You didn’t have to wait for confidence before acting- you acted and trusted the process or circumstances.
And then over time, and especially in the last 70 to 100 years, confidence morphs into something more about self assurance and a heavy focus on the individual feeling a certain way. It shifted inward, and in so doing placed a huge burden and responsibility on the individual to feel before acting. It was like a belief had to be there before action could be taken.
But waiting to feel ready has some drawbacks and can even lead to some life altering behaviours…
The Problem With Waiting to Feel Ready
When we tie modern confidence to feelings, we tend to wait until feeling right or ready before acting. The thing is, feelings come and go, and you don’t really get to control them! Try it out for yourself right now; listen to a nostalgic or favourite song and don’t feel anything, or try to feel instantly in love with someone you really don’t like, or watch a suspenseful scene in a scary movie and try not to jump when the scare comes. See what I mean? And those are the easy ones, our feelings get more complicated than those examples.
To put it simply, our feelings are like the weather, they come and go in their own good time and we don’t get to choose them as much as we think!
So if we rely on feeling confident before we decide to act, we risk spending more time stuck than moving forward. It’s a vicious loop and many people get caught in it! The process of the stuck ‘I need to feel confident’ loop is that I need to feel/be XYZ before I can do ABC.
Thing is, life doesn’t happen in nice chains of getting something you need before you actually need it. Life is messy and complex, and if we get stuck in the waiting to feel ready loop before we take action, it can cost us a lot in the long run as we miss out on potentially meaningful experiences.
So what’s the alternative?
Build Trust, Not Confidence
Obviously, and I hope this can go in without too much further explanation, we need to be ready for some circumstances with some preparation that may include actually being ready. You need to do some work before taking action in some situations. So don’t think that we get rid of feeling ‘ready’ entirely, as it does have its place. Occasionally.
But I would like to offer a better alternative to modern confidence that returns it to the original meaning- using trust.
When we stop chasing feelings of confidence and start trusting, we cultivate practices that reinforce taking action even when things are uncertain.
Some of the ways we can do this are as follows:
- Trust the process. Confidence grows through repetition. Trust that consistent effort will lead to progress, even if you stumble along the way. Most of us who learnt to ride a bike, swim or drive a car did not wait for the ‘feeling’ before we acted. I know after my driving test I was not feeling ready to take the road on my own, but ended up making room for those uncomfortable feelings in the service of getting to new places on my own. This is an example of a process. You put in time and effort and it generally works out.
- Trust in others. Lean on mentors, friends, or teammates. When confidence wavers or gets shaky, a trusted external anchor can help keep you steady. Think of growing up or when we start a job, or learn a new hobby- we watch and learn and lean on others to build trust.
- Trust your values. Instead of waiting for the feeling of confidence, act in alignment with what matters to you. When you focus on your values, you’re less concerned about how you feel in the moment and more likely to just take action. Values act as springboards to take leaps into the unknown. They make it possible to thrive under hardship or stress, and to continually take action even when it’s hard and difficult.
Act First, Feel Later
The secret to confidence is that it shows up after you act, not before. It’s like a muscle that gets stronger the more you use it. And as human beings, we are doing beings, which means that we exist by doing things in the world. Even if you just sit on the edge of your bed staring at the wall, that’s still an action of doing something! You are doing nothing!
The psychologist Steven Hayes puts it nicely this way:
“Behaviour is the engine and the exhaust is the feelings”
The first time you step into a new challenge, you might feel uncertain, even scared. But every small action chips away at that uncertainty, building confidence (trust) naturally.
So the key is to stop waiting for the feeling of readiness. Instead, act in spite of uncertainty. Take one step forward, no matter how small. It’s okay to feel doubt or fear, with your mind chiming in about what could go wrong or how you can’t do it – those thoughts and feelings are normal.
READ MORE: Why Are Our Minds So Negative?
They don’t mean you’re not ready – they mean you’re human! You are having a normal and natural response to doing something outside of your comfort zone- and let’s face it- everything we’ve ever done in life was once outside our comfort zone!
The Takeaway on Confidence
Confidence, as we understand it today, is overrated. We’ve taken something practical – like trust in circumstances – and turned it into a fragile fleeting feeling we wait for before taking action. We’ve turned the emphasis on doing to feeling, and that has led to so many people getting stuck in lives and ways of being that are not what they really want deep down.
Waiting for confidence is a trap. It keeps us stuck, spinning our wheels while opportunities pass us by.
So instead, let’s return to the old original idea of confidence. Trust in the process. Trust in others. Trust in your values. Act first, and let confidence catch up later!
You don’t need to feel confident to do something meaningful. You just need to start.
If you would like to learn how to do this in a practical, evidence based way that leads to lasting change, book a discovery call with me today using the button down below and see how we can work together!
