Listen: Why Are Our Minds So Negative?
There I was, lying in bed staring at the ceiling, desperately hoping for sleep before an important day. But my mind had other plans. It was a relentless stream of “what ifs” and worst-case scenarios, painting the most absurd disasters. Why, I wondered, does my mind seem determined to derail me when I need to focus the most? The stakes were high and now more than ever did I need that sleep!
Have you ever had this happen for something you are about to do? Or maybe your mind likes to remind you of something that has already happened, replaying it over and over, twisting the memory and inserting parts that make it even worse!
Our minds are curious things. We can just sit there, and out of nowhere, a painful or embarrassing memory invades our thoughts, leaving us feeling unsettled and anxious. Or we suddenly have a song that just enters our heads and won’t leave. Or we spend the day ruminating about an argument with our partner, or our mind just beats us up for not being good enough, or that we are unlovable… or worse.
We’ve all been there. You’re not alone in this; it’s a universal experience. Our minds seem to have this knack for dwelling on the negatives, replaying past mistakes, or worrying about future uncertainties. But why is that? Why do our minds seem so determined to focus on the dark and gloomy aspects of life? After all, various research has put the number of negative or unhelpful thoughts per day as high as 80%! What’s going on?
It’s Not Your Fault - Your Mind Is Like All Minds
Imagine being a caveman or cavewoman, living thousands of years ago. Back then, survival was the name of the game. Was that a dangerous animal in the bushes, or a harmless bird? Was that unknown human on the horizon friendly, or did they seek to cause harm or take resources from you?
Your mind was like a vigilant guardian, constantly scanning for threats. Those who were anxious and perceived danger in the rustling bushes survived, while those who were overly optimistic, didn’t.
Anxiety, then, was a life-saving trait. It kept us safe and helped us learn from our experiences. Imagine only just surviving a wolf attack. The mind naturally began to problem solve and figure out better ways of handling the situation next time. Many sleepless nights would have ensued, replaying that fateful encounter in detail, until… An idea! I’ll tie a sharp stone or bone to the end of a stick and then I can keep it further away from me! Thanks, mind!
Social belonging was equally crucial. If you weren’t part of a group, your chances of survival did not look good. Fitting in was everything, as isolation meant certain death in a world with danger and risk. Our ancestors had to constantly evaluate if they were meeting the group’s standards to avoid exile. Social norms and customs developed, to lubricate the gears of social interactions so that conflict was minimized. After all, a group that is divided has less chance of surviving.
Therefore, our minds also developed to constantly compare us to others, making sure we meet society’s expectations and that we would fit in. Our survival depended on it!
Fast forward to today, and our minds haven’t changed much. Instead of looking out for predators, we scan for social pressures and milestones. This ancient drive to fit in and measure up still fuels our anxiety, even though the stakes aren’t as high as they once were.
The human mind is like a radio, often tuned to “Radio Doom & Gloom,” broadcasting negative thoughts and worries about the past, present, and future. It’s not trying to drag you down- it’s trying to solve problems and keep you safe! It just doesn’t know how you feel about it doing so!
Letting Yourself Off the Hook
Here’s a question; what would it be like to let yourself off the hook for the thoughts and feelings your mind generates and instead only on how you respond to them?
Imagine your mind as that radio doom and gloom, sometimes playing useful content and other times just noise. You don’t have to fight the negative broadcasts or try to drown them out with forced positivity. Instead, recognize that this is just what minds do. They worry, predict disasters, and dwell on the past. Sometimes helpful, sometimes not. We don’t need to believe everything it says after all.
So instead of wrestling with your mind, struggling with it, and trying to control or stomp out every thought you don’t like, you could simply notice its chatter, name it for what it is – a worried mind doing its job – and then gently redirect your attention to something more meaningful.
Engaging in activities that align with your values can help too. Much like when you’re absorbed in a favorite book and hardly notice the background noise, you can learn to let the negative or unhelpful thoughts fade into the background as your attention is required to do something meaningful.
This is very counterintuitive to do, and our modern world especially loves to control and get rid of those things it doesn’t like. And in my mental health coaching with clients, we learn this experientially. This means you can only talk about it for so long- it’s the doing part that actually helps you ‘get it’.
This is part of learning what’s called psychological flexibility, an evidence based approach that has thousands of studies showing its effectiveness.
You will learn how to relate differently to your internal experiences, utilizing them for the helpful stuff, and learning to be able to move your attention, flexibly, when it’s unhelpful. And this is in the service of what matters to you, finding out your values and what will make your life better and allow you to thrive in challenges.
Conclusion
Our minds have evolved to keep us safe, often by focusing on potential threats and social standing. This isn’t a flaw; it’s a feature that once ensured our survival. Today, though, this same feature can lead to unnecessary anxiety and suffering. By understanding this, you can let yourself off the hook for having these thoughts and instead, focus on how you respond to them.
Embrace the idea of letting the negative thoughts be background noise while you tune into what’s truly important to you. This shift in perspective can help you live a richer, fuller, and more meaningful life, free from the tyranny of an overly cautious mind.
And if you want to learn how to do this, let’s have a free phone call so you can find out more!
