Here’s a question: Did anyone ever teach you how to date? For most of us, the answer is probably no. We tend to wing it and hope for the best. These days, dating can feel more confusing and overwhelming than ever. With countless apps, mixed signals, and a culture that blurs the lines between casual and committed, it’s easy to feel lost.
If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone. People are feeling lonelier than ever, and connecting with others, especially in dating and relationships, is increasingly difficult.
But what if dating could be simpler, more intentional, and less stressful?
This is where Kerry Cronin’s approach comes in. Cronin, an Associate Professor of Philosophy at Boston College, noticed the rise of hookup culture and the decline of essential dating skills. To address this, she developed a model based on three levels of dating to help people date with clarity and purpose. Her lectures drew hundreds of students, which led to ‘The Dating Project,’ a documentary that captured her insights. And the impact of her work has changed the dating lives of people worldwide!
In this post I’m presenting her ideas and building on them further with my insights from working with clients to help you navigate the tricky dating scene and commit to longer-term relationships. Whether you’re new to dating or looking to date more intentionally, and you don’t want to do the ‘hookup culture or situationship‘ thing, this guide is something just for you!
Why Dating Feels Hard Today
Dating today can feel more confusing and overwhelming than ever, and it’s not just in your head, there are real reasons for it. At its core, dating is a skillset that requires practice and intention. Today however, we’re facing a perfect storm of factors that make it challenging to develop or use these skills effectively.
First, let’s talk about the unstructured nature of modern dating. In the past, dating had a clearer roadmap. There were norms and customs that provided guidance on how to connect and build relationships. Today, that structure is largely gone, leaving us to navigate a sea of mixed signals, “situationships,” and ambiguity. This lack of structure makes it harder to know how to approach dating in a clear and meaningful way, so many of us end up avoiding it altogether out of fear or confusion.
Then there’s technology. Dating apps have fundamentally changed how we meet people, shifting our focus from face-to-face connections to endless swiping. While these apps might seem like convenient ways to date, they can actually degrade our in-person skills. The paradox of choice kicks in, leaving us overwhelmed by endless options, and we start questioning whether we’re choosing the “right” person or missing out on something better.
The result? We get stuck, swiping and chatting without ever forming real, lasting connections. In fact, these apps are designed to keep you hooked, making them emotional time sinks that often increase frustration and loneliness.
Lastly, there’s the inner battle with our own minds. We’re wired to avoid discomfort and rejection. The thought of putting ourselves out there, especially in person, can trigger all sorts of warnings from our “caveman mind,” telling us to play it safe, stay hidden, and avoid the potential pain of rejection.
This is where the anxiety of approaching someone face-to-face comes into play. Experiential avoidance, or the tendency to avoid uncomfortable feelings and situations, often leads us to opt for the less daunting but ultimately less fulfilling path of online dating.
So, what can we do? Real dating, the kind that leads to deep, authentic connections, begins with in-person interactions. Yes, it’s challenging, and yes, it can stir up anxiety. But here’s the thing— the emotional toll of endlessly swiping, overanalyzing texts, and feeling disconnected is far greater than the discomfort of approaching someone in person. And I bet your mind is already chiming in right now debating that!
Now, imagine unhooking from those anxious thoughts and feelings so they don’t hold you back or drag you down. This is exactly what I help clients with. By learning how to do this with anxiety and discomfort, you can step into situations like approaching someone you might like with more confidence and clarity, making it possible to form genuine connections.
And that’s why also having a clear, intentional structure like the three levels of dating can help. By focusing on simple steps, you can bypass much of the chaos of modern dating and ease into building authentic connections.
Level 1: The Casual Date – Breaking the Ice
Level 1 is all about taking the pressure off and simply getting to know someone. Kerry Cronin designed this stage as a way to practise the skill of dating and to start gathering information about the other person. Think of it as a fun, low-pressure way to break the ice without jumping ahead to romantic commitments.
In Level 1, dates are meant to be brief and casual, helping you explore whether there’s even a baseline interest to continue dating. This level isn’t about finding “the one” or planning grand gestures—it’s about being present in the moment and making room to connect on a simple level.
You can have multiple Level 1 dates with the same person before moving to Level 2, and it’s okay to date multiple people at level 1.
Level 1 Rules:
- Ask In Person: No texting, social media, or dating apps allowed! You must ask the person out face-to-face. The goal is to practise direct, real-world communication, which is crucial in building genuine connections.
- Within Three Days: Don’t overthink it. Ask within three days of deciding you’re interested. Waiting longer often leads to unnecessary anxiety and invites unwanted opinions from others.
- A Romantic Interest: Pick someone who catches your eye—a romantic interest. It’s not about finding your soulmate right away; just someone you’re curious to get to know better.
- Be Clear: While you don’t need to explicitly use the word “date,” make sure it’s clear that this isn’t just a casual hangout. Avoid “stealth dating” or leaving intentions ambiguous.
- Keep It Short: The date should be between 45 to 90 minutes. This creates a natural endpoint and leaves both of you wanting more. Plus, it prevents any potential awkwardness from dragging on too long.
- Plan the Date: Take the initiative to plan the date. Show respect for the other person’s time by being clear about when, where, and what you’ll be doing. No last-minute, “So…what do you want to do?”
- If You Ask, You Pay: The person who asks should cover the cost of the date. However, there’s a spending limit: aim to keep it around $10. It’s about the experience, not impressing someone with extravagance.
- No Physical Contact: The only physical interaction allowed is an “A-frame” hug (shoulders in, butts out as Kerry says) at the end of the date. No kissing, touching, or sex. The focus here is on conversation and building rapport.
- Tell Three People: Before the date, tell three friends about it. This gives you support and makes the process feel more real, but avoids turning it into a group affair.
- Choose Someone New: The date should be with someone you haven’t dated before. It’s about exploring new connections and practising the art of dating.
- No Group Dates: This is a one-on-one date. No friends tagging along or group outings. The purpose is to engage directly with the other person.
How to Approach a Level 1 Date:
- Keep It Simple: Ask the person out for coffee, a walk, or a quick lunch. Remember, it’s meant to be light and low-pressure. You’re simply getting to know each other, not auditioning for a lifelong partner.
- Stay Present: Focus on being engaged and listening during the date. Use this opportunity to learn a bit about the other person and yourself.
- Let It End: Stick to the time limit. This creates a natural exit and gives you space to reflect afterward. If you’re interested, great! If not, that’s okay too.
Why It Matters: Level 1 is about practising the skill of dating in a straightforward, low-stakes way. It helps you build confidence, get comfortable asking people out, and experience a variety of connections. This stage normalises dating as a process rather than a high-pressure audition for love, which can ease much of the anxiety surrounding modern dating.
Level 2: Intentional Dating – Exploring Compatibility
Level 2 is where things start to get more intentional. After a few Level 1 dates, you’ve gathered enough information to decide if you want to explore a deeper connection with this person. Level 2 is exclusive. Once you’ve decided to move into this phase, you focus on just one person, setting aside casual dating with others.
This level isn’t about committing to a long-term relationship yet, but rather exploring compatibility more deeply. It’s about spending more time together, getting to know each other, and beginning to reveal more of who you are.
Level 2 Rules:
- Exclusivity: Once you move into Level 2, it’s time to “focus,” as Cronin says. This means no more casual dating with others. Exclusivity allows you to fully invest in exploring whether this person could be a meaningful partner.
- Longer Dates: Unlike Level 1, there’s no time limit here. Dates can last longer than 90 minutes, which gives you the opportunity to have deeper conversations and engage in activities that help you learn more about each other.
- More Activities: In Level 2, you can explore a broader range of date activities. Movies, dinners, or even day trips are on the table. The goal is to spend quality time together in various settings to see how you interact as a couple.
- Reveal Yourself: This is the stage where you begin to reveal more of who you are. Cronin describes Level 2 as “enjoyment,” where you start to share your values, dreams, and even vulnerabilities with each other. It’s about building a foundation of trust and understanding.
- Mutual Responsibility: While you’re still responsible for your own feelings, there’s now a level of emotional care you owe to each other. Open communication is key. If it’s not working out, it’s crucial to “let the person down with dignity,” as Cronin suggests.
How to Approach Level 2 Dating:
- Be Honest About Your Intentions: Before moving to Level 2, have a clear conversation with the other person. Let them know that you’re interested in exploring something more exclusive to see where it might go. Honesty at this point prevents confusion and sets the tone for deeper exploration.
- Enjoy the Process: Level 2 is where the real enjoyment of dating begins. Go on dates that involve activities both of you enjoy, and use this time to see how your lives and interests align. Take it one step at a time without rushing to define the future.
- Practise Emotional Openness: Use this stage to gradually reveal more about your thoughts, feelings, and past experiences. It’s not about unloading everything at once, but rather letting the relationship develop naturally through shared experiences and conversations.
Why It Matters: Level 2 is about deepening the connection without the full pressure of a long-term commitment. It allows both people to explore whether a genuine partnership is possible while fostering emotional intimacy. This stage helps you get a clearer picture of the relationship’s potential and sets the groundwork for moving into Level 3, where commitment and defining the relationship come into play.
Level 3: The Defined Relationship – Building Together
Level 3 is where dating transforms into a fully committed relationship. At this stage, you’ve spent time in Level 2 exploring compatibility, revealing your true selves, and building a deeper connection. Now, it’s time for the crucial “Define the Relationship” (DTR) conversation as Cronin says, where you both decide what this partnership will look like moving forward.
In Level 3, the focus shifts from exploration to building a relationship together. It’s about aligning your lives, committing to each other emotionally, and supporting each other’s growth. This stage can be exciting and rewarding, but it also requires work, communication, and mutual care.
Level 3 Overview:
- Commitment: In Level 3, you move beyond casual or exploratory dating into a defined, committed relationship. Here, you’re agreeing to take emotional responsibility for each other and invest in the partnership. This is the stage where you fully engage with each other’s hearts, recognizing that you’re in it together.
- The DTR Conversation: A key aspect of moving into Level 3 is having the honest “Define the Relationship” talk. This conversation is crucial—it’s where you both express what you want out of the relationship, set boundaries, and discuss what commitment means to each of you. This talk ensures that you’re on the same page and ready to build a life together.
- Emotional Investment: Level 3 is about more than spending time together. It involves a deeper emotional investment where you actively nurture and support each other’s well-being. It’s a time for sharing future goals, values, and dreams, and making plans together. Both partners take on the responsibility of caring for each other’s feelings.
- Working as a Team: According to Cronin, Level 3 is the stage of “relationship work.” This doesn’t mean that every moment is a struggle, but rather that you are both committed to working through challenges together. Open communication, vulnerability, and problem-solving become key components of building a lasting partnership.
How to Approach Level 3 Dating:
- Be Honest and Clear: Before transitioning into Level 3, have an open discussion about your relationship goals and what commitment looks like for both of you. Address any concerns and be transparent about your expectations. More than ever, this is a time for honesty and vulnerability.
- Invest in the Partnership: Use this stage to align your lives and actively support each other’s growth. Plan activities that help you bond, discuss future aspirations, and work on building a shared vision. Remember, this stage is about developing a partnership based on trust, respect, and emotional care.
- Practise Emotional Responsibility: In Level 3, it’s essential to be attentive to your partner’s needs and feelings. This means being willing to address issues, communicate openly, and provide the support they need. It’s no longer just about you, it’s about building a life together.
Why It Matters: Level 3 is the phase where dating evolves into a committed, intentional relationship. It’s about deciding that this partnership is worth investing in and working towards a future together. This stage helps clarify the nature of your bond and sets the foundation for a meaningful, lasting relationship. It’s no longer just exploring possibilities; it’s about creating a shared path forward.
Why The 3 Levels of Dating Works
You might think this dating model sounds a bit old-fashioned, but it’s more relevant today than ever before. In a world full of dating apps, ghosting, mixed signals, and ambiguous interactions, the three levels of dating offer a clear, intentional approach that can benefit anyone— whether you’re brand new to dating, returning after a long break, navigating dating post-divorce, or simply seeking a more meaningful connection.
The beauty of this model is its step-by-step structure in what can often feel like a chaotic and structureless dating scene. The levels allow you to ease into dating without the pressure of immediate commitment or high stakes, helping you experience real human connection in an authentic way.
Starting with low-pressure, brief encounters allows you to practise dating as a skill, without the heartbreak and drama that often come with diving in too quickly. Gradually moving from casual dates to exploring deeper compatibility lets you build a connection naturally and at your own pace.
By intentionally guiding you from casual to committed, the model removes much of the guesswork that plagues modern dating. This intentionality not only reduces confusion and anxiety but encourages open, honest communication at every stage, helping you to define what you want and need in a relationship. It offers a safe space to develop emotional intimacy, know your own feelings, and give both yourself and your date the chance to truly explore whether the relationship is right for both of you.
Ultimately, the three levels of dating allow you to build a relationship that feels organic, meaningful, and thoughtful. It’s not about playing games or rushing into something serious— it’s about taking the time to explore connections intentionally, openly, and with purpose.
Conclusion
Yes, dating in the modern world sucks. But it doesn’t have to be so complicated or overwhelming that it stops you from finding a meaningful connection. By breaking it down into these three levels, you can approach each stage with clarity and purpose, allowing you to build relationships in a more thoughtful way.
Start simple and ease into exploring compatibility. This model gives you a framework to guide you through the dating process, making it not just more enjoyable, but more intentional and meaningful as well!
If you’re feeling stuck or need more personalised help navigating the dating world, I’m here to support you. Let’s chat about how to bring more intention and ease into your dating life. Hit the button down the page to book a free 15-minute chat about how Mental Health Coaching actually helps you with your dating and relationships!
