Listen: Self Sabotage- Why We Get In Our Own Way
Self-sabotage sucks! I know it all too well, I spent over a decade not pursuing what truly mattered to me in various areas of my life. It’s the typical pattern, your mind talks you out of every life-changing action you could take, and years later, there you are—stuck.
My story, like those of many of my clients and countless others, is far from unique. Right now, you might even be thinking about all those times you got in your own way in areas like dating, relationships, careers, education, parenting, health, and well-being—and pretty much every other aspect of life!
So, what is self-sabotage, why do we do it, and what can we do about it?
Understanding Self Sabotage
Self-sabotage is when we act against our own best interests, often without fully realising it until after we’ve done it. It’s those frustrating moments when you know what you should do to improve your life, but something holds you back. Maybe you’re putting off that important chat that needs to happen, staying in a situation that doesn’t serve you, or repeating the same unhelpful patterns, despite wanting change.
Either way, you are compromising your chances and getting in the way of yourself with self destructive or ineffective behaviours and choices. That’s self sabotage.
But why do we do this? Why would we sabotage our own progress?
The truth is, self-sabotage often has its roots in our wiring. Our minds are designed to protect us from discomfort, uncertainty, and potential threats, even when those “threats” are simply the risks involved in personal growth. Our brains, still operating with the survival instincts of our ancestors, are excellent at imagining worst-case scenarios and convincing us that staying in our comfort zone is the safest option.
This is the same reason why our minds tend to focus on the negative—it’s a survival mechanism that keeps us on high alert for anything that might go wrong.
As I’ve talked about before in my post on why our minds are so negative, this tendency to dwell on problems and threats isn’t a flaw—it’s actually how we’ve survived for thousands of years. Back then, scanning for danger and being cautious helped our ancestors stay alive. Without it, we wouldn’t be here!
But in modern life, where most of us aren’t dodging long toothed predators or aggressive tribes, this hyper-vigilance can end up holding us back, keeping us stuck in cycles of self-sabotage.
To dive a little deeper, let’s look at two examples of how this plays out:
Imagine you’re dating someone you really like, and things are going well. But then, right when the relationship starts to deepen, your mind steps in with thoughts like: “What if they leave you?” “What if this doesn’t work out and you get hurt?” or the most common one, “You’re not good enough.”
These thoughts create anxiety, and rather than facing the vulnerability that comes with a meaningful relationship, you start to pull back. Maybe you cancel plans, avoid sharing your true feelings, or pick a fight over something small. That’s self-sabotage—your mind is trying to protect you from potential heartbreak by convincing you to push the other person away before they can hurt you. But in doing so, you end up undermining the very connection you value.
Now, consider a situation where you’ve been thinking about changing jobs for months. You’re unhappy where you are, and deep down, you know it’s time for a change. But every time you start to consider applying elsewhere, your mind kicks in with: “What if you can’t find anything better?” “What if the new job is even worse?” “You’re lucky to have a job at all, don’t rock the boat.”
These thoughts trigger feelings of doubt and uncertainty, and before you know it, you’ve talked yourself out of even trying. You stay in a job that drains you because it feels safer than taking the leap into the unknown. That’s self-sabotage at work again—your mind is trying to keep you safe from the risk of failure or regret by convincing you to stay put. But in the long run, you end up stuck in a place that doesn’t align with your values or goals.
So, self-sabotage often shows up as our mind trying to “protect” us from failure, rejection, or discomfort. It tells us to wait, to hold back, to avoid risk—even when those risks are the very things that could lead to growth and fulfilment. Our minds are basically a ‘don’t get hurt’ machine, but our minds don’t know that this often makes life worse and more miserable in the long run when we get stuck and caught up in these thoughts and feelings.
To get a broader perspective, let’s look at some of the ways self sabotage shows up.
The Ways Self Sabotage Shows Up
Self-sabotage doesn’t always look the same for everyone. It can be sneaky, showing up in small, everyday decisions or bigger life choices. It’s so common that everyone does a little self sabotage to some degree, and as long as we are moving towards the life and person we want to be, it’s not an issue. It’s when it stops our life progressing and drags us down that we should learn how to manage it.
Here are some of the common ways it pops up in different areas of life:
- Procrastination – The classic. You know what you need to do, but you keep putting it off. Maybe you say, “I’ll start tomorrow” (but tomorrow never comes of course). The fear of failing—or even succeeding—keeps you stuck in a loop of inaction.
- Perfectionism – You tell yourself that everything needs to be just right before you can start. So, instead of taking action, you endlessly tweak, plan, or wait for the “perfect” moment that never arrives.
- Overcommitting – You say yes to everyone else’s needs, stretching yourself too thin, which leaves you little time or energy to focus on what truly matters to you. Then, when things don’t go as planned, you blame the chaos of your schedule instead of facing the fear behind the avoidance.
- Negative/Unhelpful Self-Talk – Those internal conversations where your mind tells you that you’re not good enough, smart enough, or deserving enough. It beats you down, creating a narrative that convinces you to settle for less.
- Avoiding Discomfort – This one’s subtle. Instead of taking risks that align with your goals, you stick to what feels safe, even if that means staying in a job you hate or avoiding a conversation that could improve a relationship. Discomfort avoidance is one of the biggest ways we sabotage growth.
In any of these forms, self-sabotage keeps you locked in place, preventing you from stepping into your full potential. It sucks!
What We Can Do About Self Sabotage
Here’s the good news: self-sabotage is something we can handle! It’s not easy, and it doesn’t happen overnight, but with the right approach and learning the skills required, you can break the cycle and get out of your own way.
Awareness Is Key
The first step is recognizing when and how you’re sabotaging yourself. Pay attention to patterns- when do you start procrastinating? When does perfectionism or doubt creep in? Self-awareness shines a light on those behaviours, and once you see them for what they are, you can begin to change them. See if you can notice the exact thoughts and feelings that come up before you take actions that you don’t want to do deep down (like staying seated instead of getting up to exercise).
Get Clear on Your Values
One of the most effective ways to combat self-sabotage is by focusing on what truly matters to you—your values. When you know what you stand for, it becomes easier to take action, even in the face of fear or discomfort. Ask yourself: “What kind of person do I want to be?” and use that as your compass. Every time self-sabotage shows up, remind yourself why you’re doing this and move forward despite the discomfort.
Make Room for Discomfort
This is where it gets real. Growth is uncomfortable, and part of overcoming self-sabotage is learning to make room for that discomfort is part of the process. Instead of avoiding it, make room for it, give it space and see if you can allow it to be there and act in the way you want to anyway. When you feel that fear, anxiety, or doubt creeping in, acknowledge it. It’s just your mind trying to protect you—but it doesn’t have to stop you from moving forward.
Take Small, Committed Actions
You don’t have to make massive changes all at once. In fact, it’s the small, consistent actions that build momentum. Break down your goals into tiny, manageable steps. Focus on what you can do today—something simple, but meaningful. And also savour it when you take that action, really notice it. Over time, those small actions will build confidence and help you stay committed, even when the fear shows up.
Forgive Yourself for Past Sabotage
Lastly, don’t beat yourself up for the ways you’ve sabotaged yourself in the past. We all do it. What matters is that you’re aware of it now, and you’re committed to doing things differently. Give yourself some self compassion, acknowledge it’s hard, and focus on where you’re headed.
Stepping Out of Your Own Way
Self-sabotage is a frustrating but common part of being human. We all get stuck in patterns that keep us from living the life we truly want, whether it’s out of fear, self-doubt, or just an old habit of avoiding discomfort. The good news is, you’re not powerless against it. By becoming aware of these patterns, reconnecting with your values, and taking small but meaningful steps forward, you can break free from the cycle.
Remember, self-sabotage isn’t a reflection of your worth or abilities—it’s simply your mind trying to protect you. But you don’t have to listen to every story it tells. You have the power to choose differently, to face discomfort with courage, and to build a life that aligns with what truly matters to you.
What actions will you take today to do that?
If you are interested in learning how to handle self sabotage for real, and not just talk about it, but make an actual difference to your life, get in contact with me to organise your free discovery call to find out more about working with me one on one with Mental Health Coaching. Thanks to the internet, we can have sessions wherever you are in the world!
