It’s 3am and you’re lying in bed wondering where your life has gone. Marriage, kids, house, career, friends – it doesn’t matter what exactly; there’s just this nagging sense that you haven’t achieved what you’re supposed to. Your mind won’t let up, and now, with your brain in overdrive, you’re contemplating it all, feeling that ever-present anxiety about falling behind.
If you’ve ever experienced this before, you are not alone. Among my generation (Millennial) and Gen Z, this experience is becoming increasingly more common. So much so that a term has been created to describe it: milestone anxiety.
So how prevalent is it? Some recent research in the UK found that 83% of Gen Z (16-24 year-olds) and 77% of millennials (25-39 year-olds) are feeling the pressure to reach certain life milestones. And it’s clear talking to people out on the streets along with people I work with that there’s a sense or feeling of not meeting expectations for how people want their life to go.
So what exactly is going on? And what exactly is milestone anxiety?
What Is Milestone Anxiety- Why The Feeling Of Falling Behind Matters
Simply put: Milestone anxiety isn’t a diagnosable disorder but describes the pressure to achieve traditional life milestones like finding a partner, advancing in a career, having children, and buying a house (among others). This pressure can negatively impact well-being when not achieved by a perceived time frame.
Milestone anxiety can show up in different ways, like feeling you’re lagging behind your peers, not meeting societal standards, or even falling short of your own expectations. This pressure gets tougher when you’re still figuring out who you are and what you want in life.
And if we really buy into those thoughts our minds come up with about it, it can even grind our life to a halt and stop us living effectively!
Now whenever we come up with new terms and labels to describe things, I always pause and ask myself- is this something new or is this something we have experienced as human beings before? Maybe that’s just the history nerd in me coming out, but I do think there is value in asking this question. Sometimes, there are important lessons we can learn after all.
So, is it normal for human beings- no matter the time period in history- to have this so-called milestone anxiety? In my opinion, I think it is. Here’s why…
Imagine you’re back in prehistoric times as a caveman or cavewoman. Your mind evolved to keep you safe by constantly scanning for threats and ensuring you fit into the tribe. Who do you think survived to become our ancestors; the cave person with anxiety who perceived threats in those bushes and paid attention to stay safe? Or the one who casually strode through the long grass optimistic about their chances? Exactly!
Anxiety is a normal and natural thing we have inherited.
Equally, social belonging meant survival. If you weren’t in a group- you died. If you didn’t meet the pre agreed rules for the group and got exiled- you died. Fitting in is what our minds developed and strived to do to ensure we survived! Milestones are often things that were good for survival, like reproduction, building a home, pursuing a productive role or job in society ect.
Fast forward to today, and our minds still operate the same way. Instead of scanning for predators, they scan for social pressures and milestones. This ancient drive to fit in and measure up can create anxiety when we feel like we’re falling behind, even if the stakes aren’t life or death anymore. Our minds don’t know the difference!
So basically, we can argue that on many occasions people in history, just like you and me, would have felt something milestone anxiety at certain points when there was a significant change in circumstances. Things like war, disease and poverty would have played a role in changing what people could realistically achieve in life. Imagine the farmer who was constantly called to war and kept sliding backwards in starvation and poverty- hard to move forward in some areas of life in survival mode, right? Or the young woman who could not find a partner after those wars decimated the young male populations leaving very few prospects around. Or the plagues that threw life out of order. The list goes for potential disruptors, but I think the point is made.
While life is different now in some ways, there’s always things that happen that throw out what we can achieve.
Social and cultural norms might often determine what people think they want to achieve. After all, they give structure, purpose and meaning to life. But when we can’t achieve them due to circumstances, a flexible re-think might be in order.
And besides, we often do many things on autopilot, so it begs the question- do I really want that as a goal? Or is my mind just trying to fit in?
I Am Just Not Where I Want to Be in Life
This is a common normal and natural response to the way we live today. There are all sorts of challenges. We live in difficult economic times- buying a house is almost impossible without significant outside help. Social media distracts us with ideas on who we should be and how we should look (see: Plato’s Cave). Careers are becoming harder to pursue with record high student debt and many left without job prospects as degrees become devalued due to oversupply or not enough demand. Our cultural and religious traditions, combined with our current worldview of scientific rationalism without a meaning- orientated balance, have either eroded or collapsed and have left us in a meaning crisis.
Yes, there’s problems. And yes, the reality gap of not having what you want hurts. A lot.
I’ve felt the same reality gap. Even if I manage to get one of the goals, there’s still that feeling of it being late and that the next thing will take even longer. Or that it might never happen. A house isn’t getting any closer that’s for sure!
But none of this needs to affect us to the point of degrading or destroying our wellbeing. It’s hard and tough for sure, yet there are other ways of living if we are open to it.
It Can Get Better…
One of the most effective ways we can improve life and make things better if we are struggling with milestone anxiety is with the pivot from goals to values. We live in a very goal oriented world, and while there’s nothing wrong with goals, they are very important after all for driving purpose, but if our life purely consists of goals and nothing else we will constantly live with the feeling that we are never achieving enough.
Living by values, on the other hand, offers a continuous source of guidance and inspiration. Values aren’t about reaching an endpoint but about embodying qualities like kindness, integrity, playfulness, or compassion in our daily actions. Everybody has values, and we often disconnect from what matters to us and who we want to be as a person due to struggles and challenges, or just the social pressure to conform to standards.
Unlike goals, which can leave us feeling unfulfilled once achieved, values provide a sense of ongoing purpose and satisfaction. They help us navigate life’s challenges with clarity and maintain perspective on what truly matters. By integrating values into our lives, we create a deeper sense of fulfillment that goes beyond just accomplishments, nurturing inner peace and a more meaningful existence.
One of the main methods I use, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), uses values as one area that we look into with clients. It’s amazing to see the changes as they pivot from their struggles to a life of meaning and fulfillment. Each person determines their values, they are not something anyone else chooses for them. And watching people connect with them and act in ways that are congruent is one of the best parts of my job as a mental health coach!
If you want to start managing that milestone anxiety, values work, along with managing your mind, is the key to improving things. Life is not easy, and even in prosperous times we may be unlucky and have circumstances that are terrible. The world right now looks uncertain.
Shifting from a goals based life to a values based one means we retain a deeper sense of meaning in the chaos, and flourishing despite the hardships.
Everyone can learn to do this as values are something we all have (yes even if you don’t quite know what they are- this is part of the process). It’s part of what helps addicts kick the substances, the depressed get meaning in their lives and the anxious to be able to live even with anxiety.
And for those of us struggling with milestone anxiety- we get to flourish despite the reality gap.
If you are interested in diving deeper into that feeling of not measuring up, falling behind, and anxious about where your life is going- head over and book a call with me to find out more and see how we can work together! I’d love to help you see the same changes I’ve seen in so many of my clients!
