‘Inner peace’- I think nearly everybody has at some stage imagined a cross legged serene monk on top of a mountain top when hearing those words. And in some way, it’s almost ingrained in us to seek it out, a subtle urging in our culture that says we should ‘have it’ and if we don’t- that there’s something wrong with us. We buy books and attend courses, all aimed at attaining an inner bliss where things like stress, doubt, and frustration just don’t exist anymore.
And it’s not like there’s anything wrong with wanting some inner peace. Our minds are often very negative by nature, and life dumps all sorts of challenges on our laps, so going after a little inner peace is good, right?
What if inner peace gets more elusive the more you chase it? So the harder we try to silence our minds and all those restless, whirring thoughts- the more often they come back louder and faster.
What if the pursuit of inner peace is actually setting us up for even more struggle? What if we got it all wrong?!
What Is Inner Peace, and Why Do We Chase It?
Inner peace is often defined as a state of mental and emotional calmness. It’s a freedom from conflict, worry, or disturbance.
Sounds amazing, right?
Who wouldn’t want to feel serene, especially with the world today travelling at breakneck speed and uncertainty is all around? It’s normal and natural to want some respite to our own minds and have a little peace and quiet.
It’s not just us as individuals either, the promise of inner peace has become a cornerstone of the wellness industry. Scroll through social media, and you’ll see countless posts about meditation and detoxing your way to tranquillity. The message, thought not explicit, is clear: If you don’t feel calm and centred, you’re doing something wrong. There’s an entire industry built on the idea that a constant state of inner peace is not only possible, but necessary for a happy life!
But here’s the catch: Life doesn’t work like that.
And the human mind doesn’t work like that either. Our thoughts and emotions are messy, unpredictable, and often inconvenient. We’re wired to react to danger, solve problems, and navigate a complex world. Try it out for yourself. Sit there and pay attention to exactly what your mind says. Just let it go for a few minutes and don’t control where it goes.
Did you try it? I think you get the idea.
This is why the pursuit of inner peace can feel like an endless uphill battle – because it’s at odds with how we’re built!
The Paradox of Pursuing Inner Peace
Let’s have a closer look at the pursuit of inner peace. Imagine you’re trying to quiet your mind during some meditation. As soon as you sit down, thoughts start bubbling up: Did I forget to reply to that text? What should I make for dinner? Why did I say that dumb thing last week?
And that’s probably the good stuff, right? Our minds can get much meaner sometimes.
Instead of feeling calm, you feel frustrated. “Why can’t I just relax?” you wonder. The more you try to push the thoughts away, the stronger they seem to get.
Again, try this out for yourself: try really hard not to think of… your favourite ice cream (or dessert if you don’t like ice cream). Try really hard to not think of it for 30 seconds. Not even a microsecond!
How’d you do?
This is a classic example of what psychologists call the paradox of control.
The harder we try to suppress or control our thoughts and feelings, the more power they gain. In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), the primary modality I use, there’s a saying: “The mind is like a problem-solving machine.” It’s like a factory, constantly churning out thoughts, many of which are unhelpful or downright unpleasant.
Trying to stop this process is like trying to hold back the tide with a broom, or keep a volleyball submerged under the water.
When we chase inner peace, we’re often chasing the goal of the absence of discomfort. But discomfort is an inevitable part of being human. And it can really suck, especially when you’ve hit the bottom. I’ve been there myself and it’s staggering how painful our own inner experience can be.
So no matter what we do, difficult thoughts and emotions will always show up, whether we want them to or not. But by striving to eliminate them, we’re setting ourselves up for disappointment and constant struggle.
So does this mean we are destined to never have inner peace and have a relentless stream of chaos internally, and there’s nothing we can do to change anything?
Well, thankfully that’s not the case and there is something we can do instead of chasing inner peace.
Inner Peace or Psychological Flexibility?
So, if inner peace as a constant, unshakable state is an illusion, what can we do instead? This is where psychological flexibility comes in. Rather than trying to achieve a permanent sense of calm, we can focus on developing the ability to navigate life’s ups and downs with openness and resilience.
Psychological flexibility is about making room for the full range of human experiences– both the pleasant and the painful- without getting hooked by them as they dictate our actions and choices. It’s about learning to coexist with discomfort while staying connected to what truly matters to you.
This doesn’t mean we stop seeking moments of calm or joy. It just means we stop clinging to them as the ultimate goal or something we routinely chase.
Think of it this way: Instead of trying to calm the internal storm, psychological flexibility teaches us how to anchor ourselves so we can weather it just like a ship dropping an anchor in a harbour does to avoid getting smashed into the rocky shore.
The weather always changes, sometimes stormy, sometimes sunny and nice.
When we learn to let our thoughts and feelings come and go like the weather and waves, without getting swept away, it’s kind of like looking at your thoughts out there, and not through them. You can then focus on what really matters, rather than what your mind tells you to focus on.
This approach is not only more realistic but also more empowering (and saves a ton of energy as we drop the constant struggle). It shifts the focus from controlling our internal world into living fully in the external one- you know, that reality away from our phones and screens where real stuff happens!
Living Well Without Inner Peace
So if inner peace is an illusion, does that mean we’re doomed to a life of inner chaos? Nope! In fact, letting go of the idea of perfect tranquillity can be incredibly liberating. When we stop trying to achieve an impossible state, we free up energy to focus on what truly matters: living a fulfilling and meaningful life.
Here are a few ways to embrace this perspective:
Redefine Success: Instead of measuring your well-being by how calm you feel, measure it by how aligned your actions are with your values. Are you spending your time and energy on things that matter to you? Are you showing up for the people and causes you care about, even when it’s hard?
Practice Acceptance: Acceptance doesn’t mean resignation, let’s get that clear! It means acknowledging reality as it is, being open to the good and bad, without unnecessarily struggling with it. Control what you can control and leave the rest. This includes accepting your own messy, imperfect mind. And your mind is a lot like my mind and everyone else’s. Remember, thoughts are just thoughts- they don’t define you or control you unless you let them. You get to choose how you respond to them.
Find Meaning in the Mess: Life’s challenges and uncertainties can feel overwhelming, but they’re also opportunities for growth. Instead of avoiding discomfort, you can ask yourself: What can I learn from this? How can I use this experience to become the person I want to be? What does this show me what really matters to me?
Be Present: While inner peace might be an illusion, moments of presence are very real. When you fully engage with what’s happening here and now- whether it’s a conversation, a meal, or a walk outside- you actually create pockets of calm amid the chaos. The only moment that really matters is the present, and it’s the only moment you can experience in the real world and outside of yourself.
From Illusion to Reality
Look, I get it. The idea of inner peace is seductive. I still catch myself chasing it sometimes, our culture after all promotes it in all sorts of ways. It promises a life free from stress, worry, and conflict. But the truth is such a state doesn’t exist- and chasing it often leads to more struggle.
But by letting go of the illusion of inner peace, we can embrace something far more valuable: the ability to live fully and authentically right now, even in the midst of life’s messiness, even when there’s challenges going on.
The ancient Greeks called this Eudaimonia, or a state of flourishing. Despite life doing what life does, you still have meaning and purpose. You still get to respond to life the way you want to, deep in your heart.
So, instead of asking yourself, “How can I find inner peace?” try asking, “How can I live well right now, with everything that’s here?”
If you’d like to learn how to make this shift for real, not just talk about it, but actively try it out and judge with your own experience- head further down the page and click the button to book your free consultation phone call to get started with 1:1 Mental Health Coaching and find out more!
