Most of us feel awkward when someone bursts into tears. We want to help, but we’re not always sure how. Do we say something? Do we pat them on the back? Do we sit in silence? Do we try to fix it?
Not knowing what to do is normal- after all, it’s not like this was covered in some class at school!
So I’m making this guide for exactly those moments. Whether it’s a friend, partner, colleague, or stranger, here are some simple, thoughtful ways to support someone who’s crying or visibly upset and going through a rough time.
Before You Do Anything: Three Principles That Matter!
Listen First, Talk Second
When someone’s upset, it’s natural to want to say something comforting. But often, what they need most is someone who’s willing to really listen. That means putting down your phone, making eye contact, staying present, and not jumping in with advice or stories. The urge will be there to do those things, but now is not the time.
Good listening is about being there without needing to fix.
Hold Back the Advice (Unless They Ask)
Even if you’ve been through something similar, resist the urge to problem-solve right away. Giving advice too early, even if well-meaning, can feel dismissive or make them shut down.
Instead of “Here’s what you should do,” try “Do you want to talk about it?” or “What’s showing up for you right now?”
Keep the Focus on Them
It can be tempting to relate with your own story or experience- but that can unintentionally shift the spotlight. Let them have their moment. This is about them, not you.
Swap “I know exactly how you feel” for “That sounds really hard/tough.”
What to Do When Someone’s Crying
1. Just Be There
The most powerful thing you can offer is your presence. You don’t need perfect words or solutions- just being nearby shows you care. Sit with them, stay close, and let them know they’re not alone.
You don’t have to say anything right away. Sometimes silence, paired with warmth, is more comforting than any words.
2. Offer Privacy
If they’re in a public place, gently ask if they’d like to move somewhere quieter. Respect whatever they would like.
Try: “Would you like to go somewhere more private?”
Or: “Is there somewhere I can take you that feels safer?”
3. Offer a Tissue (With Care)
If you’ve got a tissue handy, offer it. Just be mindful, it’s a kind gesture, but don’t make it seem like they need to stop crying.
Try: “Would it help to have a tissue?” or simply hand one over quietly.
4. Let Them Cry
Don’t try to cheer them up while they are going through the rough bits. Crying is the body’s way of processing overwhelming emotions. It’s natural, normal and healthy.
Avoid saying things like “Don’t cry” or “You’ll be fine.” Let their emotions flow without trying to shut them down or interfere with them.
5. Ask What They Need
This step matters. You might think you know how to help- but the best way is to ask.
Try: “What can I do for you right now?” or “Would it help if I just sit with you?”
If they ask for space (eg: they want you to leave), respect that. Let them know you’re still around if they need you later.
6. Don’t Rush Them
People need time to move through emotional waves. Don’t try to hurry them along or get them to “move on.” Just stay with them if you can, and be patient.
If you need to leave, that’s okay too. You can say: “I can’t stay long, but I care about you. Is there someone else I can call for you?”
7. Offer a Hug- If It’s Welcome
Some people find touch comforting. Others don’t. If you know the person well and think a hug might help, still ask first. Always read the context of the moment (eg: a professional setting vs long time friend).
Try: “Would a hug help right now?” Always respect the answer.
8. Don’t Push for Details
Not everyone wants to talk about what’s going on. Let them open up in their own time. Your job isn’t to fix- it’s to be there.
You could say: “If you feel like talking, I’m here. And if you don’t, that’s okay too.”
What to Say (If You’re Unsure)
Words don’t have to be perfect to be powerful. Its normal to not have the perfect words, and human communication is never seamless. So keep it simple, sincere, and supportive:
- “I’m here for you.”
- “That makes sense.”
- “It’s okay to feel this way.”
- “You’re not alone in this.”
- “What do you need right now?”
- “You can take your time.”
- “I’m listening- go at your pace.”
- “That sounds really hard.”
- “Your thoughts/feelings matter.”
- “You don’t have to figure it all out right now.”
Avoid turning the focus onto yourself, giving advice too quickly, or telling them how to feel.
If They Need More Support
If this person is struggling on an ongoing basis, or if what they’re going through is really intense, gently encourage them to talk to someone professional, there’s no shame in that and can help them make sense or and handle the hard stuff.
You could say: “This sounds really heavy. Have you thought about talking to someone who can help you through it?”
Some Final Thoughts
Comfort isn’t about having the perfect words or being the “fixer.” It’s about creating a safe space where someone can be fully human, tears and all. Your presence, patience, and care are more powerful than you might realise.
Learning how to support someone in distress isn’t always easy. It can feel uncomfortable, uncertain, or even overwhelming at times. But like any meaningful skill, it’s something you can improve with practice, reflection, and a willingness to show up, even if you’re not sure what to do.
The more you lean into these moments with compassion and openness, the more natural they will become. And just as importantly, be kind to yourself along the way. You are learning too.
What matters most is that you made the effort to be there. That alone can make a real difference.
