When love is new, it feels effortless! But as many couples discover, maintaining a healthy, loving relationship over time takes more than just good intentions. If your marriage or relationship feels broken, let’s start by acknowledging something important: it’s completely normal to experience conflict, doubt, and pain in long-term relationships. Co-existing with another human being is guaranteed to bring up difficulties, and many people struggle just being with themselves – let alone someone else!
So what matters is what you do next. You’re reading this because there are some difficulties or issues in your relationship or marriage, and you want things to be better. So there is a desire to improve things- at least you are willing.
This post isn’t about assigning blame, being a comprehensive guide, or offering a one size fits all solution. Rather it’s about offering hope, some practical insights, and a ‘course correct’ to help you start repairing and rebuilding.
When to Walk Away vs. When to Work Through It
First things first. While all relationships will have struggles and hardship at times and many relationship struggles can be worked through with effort and professional help, there are some red flags that signal that leaving is the safest and healthiest choice.
If there is physical, emotional, or sexual abuse, extreme control or isolation, chronic dishonesty, repeated infidelity without remorse, or threats of harm (to you or themselves), the priority should be getting out safely! Seek professional help immediately (call 111 for emergencies in NZ) if these are present.
However, other issues, such as constant arguments, emotional distance, lost connection, unresolved resentment, trust issues, or mismatched values, may not mean the relationship is doomed as such but rather that professional intervention is potentially needed to navigate deeper challenges.
The key here is in assessing whether both of you are willing to acknowledge the issues and actively work on them.
It is not a good sign if your partner says “I’m fine, you’re the one with the problem” and has an attitude of refusing to recognize their role in the relationship’s problems, can’t or won’t try to understand your perspective, dismisses your feelings and concerns, or refuses to reflect on, or change their own behavior. Those are significant roadblocks to building the relationship you want.
So if safety, respect, and genuine effort are absent, staying may do more harm than good.
If you are at all unsure, it is best to seek professional help to navigate the situation. What follows in the rest of the post is assuming that the conditions are there that you are safe and can communicate with the other person to try and resolve issues that do not come under the ‘non-negotiable red flags’ or ‘very significant roadblocks’.
What’s in Your Control?
When your relationship feels strained, it’s tempting to focus on what your partner is doing wrong. It’s normal and natural to do this- we all do this at times. But here’s the thing: the only person you can truly control is yourself! Only you can control your own response to what shows up and what actions and choices you will take. We can model the behaviour we want to see in other people by showing it ourselves.
So the key lesson here is: You can’t make your partner behave a certain way, but you can influence the relationship by showing up as your best self.
Think of how emergency service personnel show calmness when in difficult situations- imagine if they ran around screaming- would that help the people in need or make things worse?
So you can start by asking yourself: What kind of partner do you want to be, deep down in your heart? Maybe it’s more patient, attentive, or supportive. Or you want to be kinder or more playful. These are those things that come from your heart- not what your mind says you ‘should’ or ‘must’ do.
Your actions that result from being in touch with how you want to be deep down can set the tone for your relationship. It’s all about those small shifts- like a kind word, listening without interrupting, or even acknowledging your own mistakes- that can create ripple effects.
However, it’s also essential to set boundaries and stand up for your needs. Being kind doesn’t mean accepting hurtful behavior. A healthy relationship thrives when both partners feel seen, valued, and respected.
It’s also worth exploring and reflecting how you react under stress. Do you shut down, criticize, or withdraw? These reactions are normal, especially when we get hooked on what our mind says, but they often perpetuate the very disconnection you’re trying to resolve.
Awareness of your patterns and reactions and being in the driver’s seat of your behaviour is the first step toward changing them and breaking the cycle of conflict.
The Power of Connection
Connection is the lifeblood of a relationship. Think back to when you and your partner first got to know each other. What drew you together? What made you laugh, talk for hours, or dream about a future together? Sure, it was a honeymoon period, and every relationship has one, but there were qualities at play, like curiosity perhaps, that made you both want to connect more and more.
One of the first things to rebuild connection starts with presence. Put down your phone. Look your partner in the eye. Ask meaningful questions and really listen. Not just nod along, but engage in the process. Even if you’re hurting or feel distant, small moments of genuine attention can begin to heal things and start the path to better.
If tension arises during these moments, which is often the case when we change course, try to avoid falling into reactive patterns – like criticizing, withdrawing, or snapping back (these are skills we can learn). Instead, practice what we call “creating a space” or “pausing before responding.”
Take a deep breath, notice and name what your mind is saying and what shows up in your body, let go of the struggle with the immediate urge to defend, and shift your focus on understanding each other.
Keep bringing it back to that shared meaning: first- aim to understand!
This is not easy when we want to shift the trajectory of things in relationships. It’s going to be hard. We may fail many times. But learning the skill set to manage how we respond gives us the best chance of success.
Let’s also not forget that connection also thrives when you acknowledge what goes well. This can be especially hard when things are rocky or feeling broken, but we can find something worthy if we look.
Make a habit of noticing and appreciating what your partner does well. Gratitude can feel awkward when things are raw, but it’s a powerful way to shift the tone of your interactions and reignite warmth.
And don’t forget to make time for fun! Relationships often lose the connection under the weight of life’s responsibilities, but some laughter and shared joy can help restore a sense of closeness. Plan for a date night or revisit an activity you both used to enjoy. Even small gestures can make a big difference!
The Power of Communication
Communication is the lubricant that will make our interactions play out either smoothly or poorly! And let’s face it, none of us took any communication classes at school, right? (hint: they don’t offer them). So we learnt by doing and observing- and most of us might not have had the best role models for this!
Communication is the only way we can try to share our inner experience so the other person understands more. I might be able to see if you are happy or sad, but I can only guess what might be the cause.
Sharing our own internal experience is scary for many people, and it’s not surprising! It leaves us vulnerable and open. This feels like a big step to take. So it takes courage to be able to do this- and also practice!
When we are open with ourselves and use our second greatest asset as human beings- language (the first being our minds), we can help convey what matters to us and shape the world around us.
And as I like to say- it’s the quality of our relationships in life that shape the quality of the world around us!
Choose the Path Forward For Your Relationship
Ultimately, when a relationship feels broken, you have three options:
- Leave. If the relationship is toxic or unsafe, leaving may be the healthiest choice. But if you’re here reading this, it’s likely because you want to give things another shot and make it work.
- Stay – and make an effort to make it better. Commit to small, consistent actions that align with your values. Remember, healing doesn’t happen overnight.
- Stay – but do nothing or make it worse. This path leads to more frustration, distance, and pain.
If you choose to stay and work on the relationship, know this: the work will be challenging, but it can also be profoundly rewarding. After all, growth comes from stepping outside your comfort zone, facing hard truths, and learning new ways of relating and ‘being’.
Choosing to stay and put in effort to make it better doesn’t mean ignoring your own needs. It’s vital to balance compassion for your partner with compassion for yourself. Self-care is not selfish; it’s the foundation that allows you to show up fully for your relationship.
As you work through the challenges, be patient with the process! Change takes time, and setbacks are normal and expected. Celebrating small wins, like each kind gesture, constructive conversation, or moment of connection is a step toward healing and repairing things.
Ready to Begin?
Repairing a broken marriage or relationship is not about quick fixes. It’s about patience, self-reflection, and reconnecting with what truly matters to both of you.
If you’re ready to take that first step and do the work to make your relationship better, I’d love to help. Mental health coaching focuses on learning the crucial skills to navigate your own potential obstacles (like those minds of ours) and the external ones so you can focus on what matters most.
Head down the page and click the button to set up a free discovery phone call to find out more about how it works and if we are a good fit!
